But nothing like this: Our prized Pivot Firebird and Ibis Mojo SL, both fully pimped. Taken overnight from the back patio of our Santa Cruz apartment.

We thought we were protected. We had linked together two New York Fuhgettaboudit chains and run them through two big cinder blocks as well as all four wheels and both frames. We did this because there was no secure, fixed attachment to lock the bikes to.

Between midnight and 7 a.m. last Sunday, thieves lifted the whole assembly and carried it off. There were at least three of them, maybe more. It weighed at least 150 pounds.

The patio is enclosed inside a 7-foot-high wooden fence. You can’t see through it. These scumbags had cased the place and scoped out the job well ahead of time.

Usually when I hear of a bike theft, I think: Well at least that won’t happen to me. I thought I had it dialed.

But for all of you foolish enough to think as I did, here’s the reality. Thieves are getting more sophisticated — and desperate. They’ll stop at nothing. Just about everyone has a story to tell, and some of them defy imagination.

For instance:

One owner of four bikes was out riding when thieves raided his garage, breaking the lock. He disassembled and locked his remaining bike inside his car. Thieves broke into his car and stole that bike too.

A guy went to a high-end San Jose bike shop with his bike cable-locked on the roof of his car. He had line of sight out the store’s front windows. A box truck momentarily pulled up in front of the store, blocking his view. When the truck drove on, his bike was gone from his car.

A couple went out riding at Wilder Ranch. After the ride they drove back home up in the woods above Soquel. A long driveway, well out of sight of passing traffic. They went in to go to the bathroom. When they came back out, the bikes were gone. They’d been followed home from the ride.

I once had a bike stolen from the back of my Eurovan during lunch hour in downtown Portland. It was locked with both a cable and U-lock. Police speculated a van pulled up alongside mine, two or three guys jumped out and within seconds broke the locks, severed the cable and took the bike.

Anyway, you get the picture. If you think your bike is secure, think again. The only way to keep it totally safe is to have it by your side at all times.

So that’s my sad story. Here’s the description I’m circulating on the lists:

My fully tricked out mountain bikes were stolen this past Sunday (1/6/2013) in Santa Cruz. Ibis Mojo with Easton Carbon Haven wheels, Pace racing fork and all high-end components. Distinctive parts include gold Marta brakes, gold Hope bottom bracket and gold ODI grip ends. The frame, size Large and matte (black) with blue highlights, was spotless, brand new as of March 2012. Serial No. 11M1563

Pivot Firebird was similarly fitted, with gold Chris King bottom bracket and gold Crankbrothers Candy 11 pedals. Mavic Crossmax ST wheels, Formula The One brakes, KS Lev dropper seat post. Fox Talas 36 Kashima fork. Frame Large, black anodized. Distinctive decal with World Champion rings on seat tube. Serial No. L9C09031026.

I’m sick as you can imagine. Please message me if any leads.

In the meantime, there’s this:

Given a pass: Woman driver who killed mother on bike cleared of wrongdoing because, she says, she fainted.

Kolelinia: A severe lapse of judgment, marked by bouts with insanity, while riding skinny half pipe suspended 12 feet over traffic in crowded metropolitan areas. Curiously high rates of occurrence in architecture and urban planning professions.

Time for Mountain Bike Action to do some um, er, investigative reporting? The Vancouver B.C. scammer arrested for collecting stolen bikes under the pretense of returning them to owners but actually selling them for a profit … turns out that same guy was featured in Mountain Bike Action magazine as a “Local Hero.” Not that MBA is backtracking…the charges “may or may not be true,” its post declares. We may or may not be impressed by such reportorial enterprise. Could it be that MBA‘s article led to the guy’s detection and arrest, and this might be an as-yet unrealized notch on their belt? Bears investigating, anyway.

It’s such an obvious question, yet the St. Pete reporter apparently didn’t ask him.

YouTube video below, but to see full-screen version click here.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMeYa8tZWaE&hl=en&fs=1]